Review: Stan Helsing (2009)

Stan Helsing

Rating

Director
Bo Zenga
Screenplay
Bo Zenga
Length
108 min.
Starring
Steve Howey, Diora Baird, Kenan Thompson, Desi Lydic, Leslie Nielsen, Twan Holiday, Ben Cotton, Lee Tichon, Ken Kirzinger, Chad Krowchuk, Derek Watt, Hilary Strang
MPAA Rating
R for crude and sexual content, some drug use and language

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Review
I love spoofs for one reason: they are easy to watch, filled with mindless entertainment and seldom require me to write something insightful. Stan Helsing is the latest in a long line of big screen spoofs of recent years, this one from one of the original producers of Scary Movie in his directorial debut.

Stan Helsing is an unlucky video store clerk who is being pursued by a bevvy of trite slasher spoofs intent on killing him before he can destroy them. Along for the ride are rip-offs of Pinhead (from Hellraiser), Freddy Krueger (from A Nightmare on Elm Street), Jason Vorhees (from Friday the 13th II), Michael Myers (from Halloween), and Chucky (from Child’s Play). Helsing, along with three friends, find themselves lost and trapped in a quaint, gated city whose greatest claim to fame is the location of a famed studio back lot that burned down several decades prior and resulted in a series of creepy killings, perpetrated by the aforementioned slasher masters. Helsing is believed to be the long lost heir of acclaimed monster hunter Van Helsing and must come to terms with his new responsibilities and save the town from dire evil.

There isn’t much to talk about here, the performances are on par with every other spoof film of the last decade, meaning non-existent. Pretty faces and bodies are used to titillate a young male audience without any desire to educate them. It’s not a bad way to waste some time, but definitely nothing to write home about. The premise isn’t even the lamest thing about the film, it’s the rather simplistic depiction of horror characters spoofed nonsensically. Why Pinhead has a bunch of non-pins poking out of his head or why Freddy wears a giant watch and fakes being a rapper-styled coolcat are part of the many frustrating elements of the film. Normally, I find more enjoyment in these kinds of films, but when the funniest line comes 30 minutes into the film (“You know what, Mia? I’ve been holding something back all night, so I’m gonna go ahead and say it now: That doesn’t make any sense, you stupid bitch.”), it’s a hard ride to the utterly moronic ending.
Review Written
January 10, 2011

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