The Minion

Rating

Director

Jean-Marc Piche

Screenplay

Matt Roe, Ripley Highsmith

Length

1h 35m

Starring

Dolph Lundgren, Francoise Robertson, Roc LaFortune, David Nerman, Allen Altman, Jean-Marc Bisson, Don Francks, Michael Greyeyes

MPAA Rating

R

Review

PREFACE:
In the early 2000s, I was writing reviews for an outfit called Apollo Guide Reviews. That website has since been closed down.

Attempting to reconstruct those reviews has been an exercise in frustration. Having sent them to Apollo Guide via email on a server I no longer have access to (and which probably doesn’t have records going back that far), my only option was to dig through The Wayback Machine to see if I could find them there. Unfortunately, while I found a number of reviews, a handful of them have disappeared into the ether. At this point, almost two decades later, it is rather unlikely that I will find them again.

Luckily, I was able to locate my original review of this particular film. Please note that I was not doing my own editing at the time, Apollo Guide was. As such, there may be more than your standard number of grammatical and spelling errors in this review. In an attempt to preserve what my style had been like back then, I am not re-editing these reviews, which are presented as-is.

REVIEW:
Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to be an archaeologist – especially when Satan’s “Minion” seeks your greatest discovery. And sometimes it’s even worse to make a movie out of it.

The Minion begins when two subway workers literally fall upon a supposed Indian burial ground. They call in city archaeology Karen Goodleaf (Françoise Robertson) to examine the crypt. It’s a secret chamber where two Knights Templar guard the key to Satan’s prison cell. Karen makes the discovery, but is soon overcome by one of the two factions searching for the key.

Sir Lukas (Dolph Lundgren) is a modern Knight Templar, who must fight to keep the key out of the hands of the minion who can mysteriously change bodies to maintain a consistent pursuit. The minion chases Karen and Lukas through the streets of New York. The two develop an uninteresting bond and come up with a plan to dispose of the key so no one can get it.

If this partial rehashing of the plot doesn’t make it seem ridiculous, take my word that it gets worse. The minion changes vessels so many times you could care less who he inhabits and much less why. There’s no rhyme or reason why this film should have been made. Perhaps someone thought it would capitalize on the theme of a new millennium.

The production is dull, the performances are limp and the story is questionable. The best performance belongs to Robertson, who looks very good in comparison to Lundgren, who spouts his lines direct from the cue card. The other performances are unfathomably pathetic. The best examples of this are Roc Lafortune, the expert brought in by the police to uncover the truth, and Jean-Luc Bisson, the upstart Templar whose motives are as unclear as the actor’s talent.

There’s no chemistry between the leads, though the intention is evident. If the plot had any sense to it at all, these two simply wouldn’t be together. Considering Lundgren is twice the size and has four times the skill of Robertson, he would obviously leave her behind and carry on alone.

The Minion is intended to be a thriller, but lacks the ideas to be successful. There’s extremely little tension, and predictability oozes from every scene. On top of that, they’ve turned the film into a quasi-action film with lots of bullets, blood and brawling. None of the slaughter supports the nearly non-existent plot, nor is there any reason for the action to stand alone.

The editing and cinematography are, for the most part, adequate, except for the arduous pans that clutter an extremely dreary film. There’s little to like here, especially with a story that is pieced together from legend and hearsay without rooting itself in the slightest hint of fact.

The Minion is appalling, lifeless, wearisome and horrendous. Perhaps an ape could find this entertaining, but even they have their standards. A waste of a good evening is the best you can expect from this meaning-starved pre-millennial non-thriller.

Review Written

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